Saturday, January 27, 2024

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Calls to Action -16


Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things:  Calls to Action -16

Video discussing possible calls to action associated with Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things in the context of Ethics.

Kardasz, F. (January, 2024). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things:  Calls to Action -16. https://youtu.be/bkRKxmaCFLI

Jan 27

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Legal & Regulatory Frameworks -15

 


Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things:  Legal & Regulatory Frameworks -15

Video discussing legal and regulatory considerations associated with Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things in the context of Ethics.

Kardasz, F. (January 2024). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things:  Legal & Regulatory Frameworks -15. https://youtu.be/pMvb0050zZc

  

Jan 20

Saturday, January 13, 2024

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Technical Challenges -14

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Technical Challenges -14

Video discussing technical challenges associated with Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things in the context of Ethics.



Kardasz, F. (January, 2024). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Technical Challenges -14. https://youtu.be/TxOmoep53cM 

Saturday, January 06, 2024

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: IoT Device Vulnerabilities -13



Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: IoT Device Vulnerabilities -13

Video discussing IoT device vulnerabilities in the context of ethics.

Kardasz, F. (December, 2024). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: IoT Device Vulnerabilities -13. https://youtu.be/GeazYX1C1pk

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Information for Legal Professionals -12

 

 

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Information for Legal Professionals -12

Video discussing use  of force in the context of Artificial Intelligence, the Internet of Things and Ethics. 

Kardasz, F. (December, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Information for Legal Professionals -12. https://youtu.be/nFC_GMgKby4

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Use of Force-11

 


Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Use of Force -11

Video discussing use  of force in the context of Artificial Intelligence, the Internet of Things and Ethics. 

Kardasz, F. (December, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Use of Force-11. https://youtu.be/4rmxl-yYm4Y

Saturday, December 16, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Law Enforcement, Surveillance & Evidence -10

 

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Law Enforcement, Surveillance & Evidence -10

Video discussing public safety, law enforcement, evidence and surveillance by Internet of Things devices in the context of ethics. 

Kardasz, F. (December, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Law Enforcement, Surveillance & Evidence -10. https://youtu.be/Ji9hMrGVBc0

Saturday, December 09, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Public Safety and Investigations - 9

 
Discussion with example cases involving AI and IOT. 

Kardasz, F. (December, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Public Safety and Investigations - 9. https://youtu.be/KsVuOlVfDnc

Saturday, December 02, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Examples of Devices - 8

 


 Lecture about IoT devices in the context of ethics. 

Kardasz, F. (December, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Examples of Devices - 8. https://youtu.be/NncrGUQoRNs

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: IoT Components & Features - 7

 

Discussion of the Components and Features found in IoT devices in the context of ethics. 

Kardasz, F. (November 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: IoT Components & Features - 7. https://youtu.be/53tn5NRpBrM

Sunday, November 19, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: AI Components & Features - 6

 


Discussion of the components of Artificial Intelligence & Features. 

Kardasz, F. (November 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: AI Components & Features - 6. https://youtu.be/ATSV39PwmtM

Saturday, November 11, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Ring, Mirai & Exploitation of Minors - 5

 

Discussion of Ring products, Mirai Botnet & Exploitation of Minors in the context of Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things. 

Kardasz, F. (November, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Ring, Mirai & Exploitation of Minors -5. https://youtu.be/m9F54kv61Wc

Saturday, November 04, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Privacy, Wyze & Xaomi - 4

 


 

Discussion of privacy related to Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things with examples from Wyze and Xaomi. 

Kardasz, F. (November, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Privacy, Wyze & Xaomi - 4. https://youtu.be/UVbCqM7z4a4

Saturday, October 28, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Bias, Unfairness & Accountability - 3

 


 

Discussion about bias, unfairness and accountability related to Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things. Two minutes, fifty seconds. 

Kardasz, F. (October, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Bias, Unfairness & Accountability - 3. https://youtu.be/gT1ZwwHipvo

Saturday, October 21, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Misinformation & Disinformation - 2

 


 

Misinformation & Disinformation related to Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things. The misinformation incident involving Marietje Schaake. Two minutes, forty seconds. 

Kardasz, F. (October, 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things, Misinformation and Disinformation. https://youtu.be/gznfhCBEKq4

Saturday, October 14, 2023

Ethics in Artificial Intelligence & the Internet of Things: Introduction - 1

 

Introduction to Ethics in Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things. One minute, eight seconds.

Kardasz, F. (October 2023). Ethics in Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things. https://youtu.be/5F23zTGpkW8

Friday, October 13, 2023

Fitbit Investigations

 

Information to assist those investigating incidents where a Fitbit or associated devices might provide leads or evidence. Kardasz, F. (October 13, 2023). Fitbit. 

https://youtu.be/YwYS6A8zCx8

Thursday, October 12, 2023

Cybersecurity Briefing with information from CISA

 


 
Cybersecurity with CISA Recommendations 
Link to a video about cybersecurity with recommendations from the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA).
Kardasz, F. (October 13, 2023). Cybersecurity with CISA Recommendations.
https://youtu.be/hH4IWOFchmw

Saturday, August 19, 2023

Book- Wired for Ethics: The Moral Implications of Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things

 https://www.amazon.ca/Wired-Ethics-Moral-Implications-IoT-ebook/dp/B0CFQFG3FJ

Wired for Ethics: The Moral Implications of Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things

Frank Kardasz

Abstract

Wired for Ethics: The Moral Implications of Artificial Intelligence and the Internet of Things explores the ethical considerations surrounding the development and deployment of artificial intelligence (AI) and the Internet of Things (IoT). The book discusses ethical issues including misinformation and disinformation, bias and discrimination, transparency, accountability, equity, fairness, and access. Privacy and data protection, safety and security, and the impact of job displacement and economic changes are examined. The book emphasizes the importance of accountability and responsibility in the development and use of technology, as well as their social impact on various aspects of society. Ethical decision-making is explored, with case studies illustrating real-world scenarios and ethical dilemmas. It explores the ethical considerations related to physical devices, connectivity, data processing, public safety, investigations, law enforcement, and wearable technology. The vulnerabilities of IoT systems are explored, including weak passwords, lack of encryption, outdated software, insecure APIs, and physical tampering. The book addresses the complexity and scale of ethical considerations, the importance of a universal standard, and the balance between innovation and responsibility. The legal and regulatory framework surrounding AI and IoT is analyzed, including legislation, ethics principles, rules, codes, security standards, privacy regulations, and stakeholder collaboration. It provides insights and recommendations for ensuring the responsible and ethical development and use of these transformative technologies. Wired for Ethics serves as a comprehensive guide for researchers, policymakers, industry professionals, and anyone interested in understanding and navigating the moral implications of AI and IoT technologies.

https://www.amazon.ca/Wired-Ethics-Moral-Implications-IoT-ebook/dp/B0CFQFG3FJ


 

Saturday, July 22, 2023

Video/Lecture: Technology Trends and Impacts

Short lecture about computer technology trends and impacts. 

Kardasz, F. (July 2023). Technology Trends and Impacts. [Video]. https://youtu.be/3yh8kNs_wvI

Video/Lecture: Privacy and the Internet

Short lecture about privacy and the Internet.

Kardasz, F. (July 2023). Privacy and the Internet. [Video]. https://youtu.be/kR7EYoAZGFA

Video/Lecture: IoT Security Vulnerabilities

Four minute lecture about a few vulnerabilities related to the Internet of Things.


Kardasz, F. (July 2023). IoT Security Vulnerabilities. [Video]. https://youtu.be/eQdm34C2kAk

Video/Lecture: 25 Computer Technology Terms

A short lecture with Computer Technology Terms.


Kardasz. F. (July, 2023). 25 Computer Technology Terms. [Video]. https://youtu.be/iX7-iPxbjPc

Video/Lecture: Fundamental Information Technology Concepts

A short lecture about Fundamental Information Technology Concepts. 

Kardasz. F. (July, 2023).
Fundamental Information Technology Concepts. [Video].  https://youtu.be/oKTBUNFIcsY

Video/Lecture: Ransomware Basics

A short lecture with the basics of Ransomware.

Kardasz. F. (July, 2023). Ransomware Basics. [Video].

https://youtu.be/KS2gwRrRVdg

Monday, July 10, 2023

Video/Lecture: Criminal Activity Facilitated via the Internet & Cyberspace

Simple lecture about crime in Cyberspace

Kardasz. F. (July, 2023). Criminal Activity Facilitated via the Internet and Cyberspace. [Video]. https://youtu.be/KS2gwRrRVdg

Tuesday, July 04, 2023

 

Conquering Demons: A Reluctant Heroine’s Triumph Over Horrors

Author’s Notes:

This is a true story about one woman's journey through domestic

Hell and her emergence to become a successful and strong survivor with a goal of helping others.

I met Susan (not her real name) in a professional capacity through her work as a business administrator. All of the names are changed in this recounting of her surreal and harrowing journey. The locations are also redacted so that a reader would not get the impression that such crimes couldn’t occur nearby – the fact is that they can, and do, happen everywhere. DV knows no social nor geographic boundaries. 

Through the years of knowing Susan, I had no clue about her amazing story of pain, endurance and subsequent triumph. When she shared her desire to tell her story in order to help others, I promised to post it on my blog. 

Readers are about to learn of a surprisingly strong person who is an example of courage; although Susan herself is too humble to acknowledge that fact. Her hope in sharing this information is to help at least one person to escape the horrors of domestic violence, and to help others better understand and improve responses to incidents of domestic violence.

This is her story.


Be soft, do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Be kind to others and yourself. Iain Thomas


Beginnings

I am the middle of three children. My father’s family was very prominent in our area. Their ancestors were the first settlers here and they were influential in politics, banking, real estate and land development.

My grandfather also owned a car dealership. My grandmother graduated from college in the early 1900’s and was a schoolteacher. She also owned and operated a theater, where prominent musicians played. They had horses and their farm was my refuge. We didn’t live on the farm, we had tenant farmers and ranchers there. I loved it there and I loved Arthur, he was the man who took care of the horses.

My mother was of second generation Greek heritage, and she was born in the US. Mom was the youngest of four daughters and spoiled rotten.

My father attended military school in a neighboring state. He left halfway through to join the Army to fight in WWII. After the Army, he finished his military schooling. Then he rejoined to fight in Korea and rose to become an officer. After he died, we got his military records and found out he was Special Ops, CIA and participated in chemical warfare research. No one knew this, not my mother, not his brother or sister.

My father graduated with a business degree, was a CPA, which he never used; he was a drafter, a surveyor, real estate broker, an auctioneer, a FreeMason, a member of the Elks club, at one point he ran for sheriff and was a highly functioning alcoholic. He was well liked, especially by the women, and he liked them right back. My parents were married twelve years before having kids. My sister, who was two years older than I, was born with a very manageable birth defect and had a lot of surgeries, and I was really left to fend for myself.

My parents divorced after 32 years of marriage, the best thing that ever happened to my Dad. My Daddy never raised his voice or his hand to any of us or to my mother. My mother, on the other hand, was verbally and physically abusive to me, but not my siblings, thank God. She did not like me much but that no longer matters. I know she did the best she could. Daddy wasn’t around much, he worked a lot and avoided Mom when possible, she was horrible to him as well.

Unfortunately, Mom taught my sister that mistreating me was okay. We shared a bedroom which she would never let me in and would lock me out so that I slept in the hallway, so I pitched a tent in the backyard and lived happily ever after in my tent from the age of about 10 until my sister went away to a private high school. I finally got into my bedroom when I was about 15 years old.

My childhood neighborhood was the best. I am still close with so many of my childhood friends. I was a true die-hard Tomboy. I liked to get dressed up real girly as well but just let one of those neighborhood boys show up with a basketball or football and I am all in. It was mostly boys in the hood; and then there was me. Other girls played with dolls; I didn’t have time for that! Everyone was a bit older than me, but they always picked me first for teams because I was small, fast and I could catch a football and steal a basketball. I had no fear. One of the guys recently reminded me that I spent my childhood years riding around on my boyfriend Rob’s bicycle handlebars if we were not involved in a game of sports someplace.

I played basketball in elementary school, my parents never attended one game and we were undefeated for two years straight. I got myself to the games and got myself home, I lettered in the seventh grade which was unheard of. No one attended my graduation from the eighth grade either. I began at that time, thinking that nothing I did mattered.

Jobs and Careers


We have the chance and opportunity to choose fun over stress, happy over sad and love over fear. Author Unknown.


I have done lots of things throughout my life. I mostly did whatever I could do to put a roof over our heads and a little food. We lived in my car for three weeks at one point. I waited tables. I cleaned hotel rooms, I was a hostess at restaurants and I tended bar. I also dog sat for a man who was a scout for an NFL team. In recent years I created, own and operate a successful small business.

First Sexual Abuse

My parents did a lot of socializing. Lots of cocktail parties, lots of activities, dancing etc. One of the couples that was most always around, had two sons, one my age and one about nine years older. The older one, Thomas Glynn, began sexually assaulting me, when I was about six years old. There was never penal penetration, but he would hold me down and penetrate me with his fingers. He continuously told me that no one would believe me and that I would be labeled a whore. According to him it was my fault because I always tempted him. I didn't know what a whore was, but it sounded really bad. This lasted for maybe six or seven years. I tried every way in the world to avoid him but since he was older, he "babysat" while the parents partied. I later realized he was doing the same thing to at least one other of my friends.

I saw Thomas Glynn for the first time since I left here when my uncle passed away. He was at the funeral. He is now a prominent attorney in town. At first, I did not recognize him. He spoke to my brother as we were walking out of the graveyard. My brother later asked if I knew who he was, no, I didn't. He said that's Thomas Glynn. I felt really sick and lightheaded. 

Mother Introduced me to a Boyfriend/Rapist

When I was fourteen years old, my mom and I were at the local drive-in when a guy pulled up behind us on a motorcycle. Mom made a comment about how handsome he was, and I told her that I knew he was the brother of an upper-class man named Randy Hawk in my school. 

I got out to go to the restroom and when I got back, he was talking to her through the window of our car. I got in and mom said, "Andy Hawke, he just got out of the navy. He is Randy’s brother like you said." Then she said to him, "You should take my daughter out". He was 20 years old, again, I was 14. He was more than happy to oblige and picked me up that night in a beautiful sports car.

Things went well with Andy Hawke and he asked me out again and again. I felt pretty special. 

About the 5th date, he raped me. It was just that simple. We stopped by his mother's house. I thought she was home, but she wasn’t. The next thing I know he was kissing and groping me. I tried to get away and make him stop but he threw me down on the couch and pulled down my pants and the rest is history. He would never say that was what it was, but it most certainly was. He said I was crazy if I thought I could go out with a man his age and not expect to put out. My fault again I thought. We stayed together for about a year because in my fourteen-year-old mind I thought I had to stay with him for the rest of my life.

Confronting Evil

Decades later I did confront both of those men. Finding Thomas Glynn was easy, his office was next door to my grandmother's house which now was the family business office. I told him I was prepared to get revenge and  "Fuck you up one side and down the other." and that I had no problem doing so". He said, "No one would believe you." and I said, "How about we find out?" I told him to have fun looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life, wondering when the story will break and reminded him I had looked over mine when I was a little girl.

Andy Hawke was easy to find too. When my uncle died and I attended the funeral, everyone I ran into was saying Andy was looking for me. Great, time to let him find me. I confronted him and of course he was shocked but then admitted he owed me an apology. I accepted and moved on. This one I blame partly on my mom. Who "sells" your 14 year old daughter to a guy who just got out of the Navy, that much older?

A New Boyfriend, Then Tragedy

The summer between eighth grade and high school, I met a boy who was five years older than I. He had already graduated high school, but he was wonderful. The sweetest, nicest person I had ever met, and he liked me, and he was very respectful. His name was Darin, and he was from the next town over. My best friend was dating his best friend. Perfect. He had a car and we loved life.

Then came the phone call. Darin and two others were killed in a car accident. The driver, Jimmy, was one of the ones who were killed, his brother was the only survivor. Thankfully, my girlfriend’s boyfriend had just been dropped off by Jimmy moments earlier, but he heard the crash.

Darin and I had had a disagreement about riding with Jimmy. He scared me, and I refused to ride with him, and I didn’t want Darin to ride with him either. I hate, to this day, that I was right. The car was cut in half. 

The remains of the wreck was taken to a service station a block from my house. They let the wrecked car stay there for a few months. It was a horrible sight, and it was brutal for me to see it every single day. They used what was left of the car at the local fair for a few years as a constant reminder that speed kills and had killed my boyfriend along with two others. My bathing suit top remained in the car the entire time.

Being true to who my callous mother was, she said, “It doesn’t matter, you are being silly, it never would have lasted, it is only puppy love.” Crushing.. oddly enough, I still love him, and I see him in the car with me a lot. He is forever young. We were never intimate, and this was just before I was offered up to the navy man. I soon learned how to get the attention I needed, and it went downhill from there. I met Andy Hawke, my rapist, shortly after Darin’s death.

Work & School

Matthew 6:25-27: Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?


I always worked, I took babysitting jobs and as soon as I could, I got a waitress job and also worked at the campground. My sister was given a car when she turned 16. I didn’t get a car, but I never expected one either, I had been saving since I was 13 for my car. I bought a ten-year-old sports car, a convertible: It was all mine.

I did manage to graduate from high school, by the skin of my teeth.

He was Nice at First - Then
Came Hell

I met my alcoholic, abusive first husband at a local drive-in restaurant that was popular in our area. I was sixteen years old and he was twenty-five. Though we were from the same town and we lived just a few blocks apart, I had not known him until about eight months before we married. 

People later told me he was obsessed with me from the beginning. They also now confide that they knew that he was a mean, vindictive bully when he was growing up.

I later learned that he was babied, spoiled, pampered and ruthlessly defended by his mother. For her, he could do no wrong. She was his enabler. 

The man whom I was told was his father was a very nice person but I later learned that his true father was likely the younger brother of the man whom I believed to be his father. That brother was said to have had mental health issues and subsequently committed suicide.

My first husband was married once before he married me, but I did not know that until later, and I also learned that he was abusive to his first wife.

Pregnant then Married

At age 16 I was pregnant. I thought, “I can do this, why not?” I have done everything else on my own. I will stay hidden until it’s too late for an abortion because I know that is what they will make me do, not for my benefit but for the family’s benefit because Heaven forbid, they have to deal with this pregnant daughter scandal. 

But when they found out, my family chased and hunted me. Now all of a sudden, they cared about me, no, not really, but let’s protect the family. So, I got married so they could not force an abortion or adoption. Yes, scandal. So now I am officially disowned, but I didn’t really know it. No one had ever paid much attention to me anyway, so it wasn’t much different. All I had was my car.

Parents Divorcing - Small Town Scandal

In the meantime, my parents’ marriage blew up when one of my father’s two girlfriends, we will call her GF1, phoned my mother in the middle of the night to tell her that he was with another girlfriend, GF2. 

His girlfriend GF2 had to bring him home because he had left his car at the office and the snitch girlfriend, GF1, who was coincidentally my husband’s cousin, had slashed the tires on my fathers car and wrote a foul message on his windshield in red lipstick. The message: “You suck dirty donkey dicks.” (HAHAHAHAAHA!).

Mom saw them pull up in front of the house, met him with a gun and said, "Get out." He walked back to his office, only a few blocks away. 

Dad cleaned off the message from the windshield and went to sleep in the bedroom in his office. But by the following morning the message had been rewritten so he was out there cleaning it off again. 

By then the town was buzzing so everyone saw it. And so did I. (hysterical) Too bad there were no cell phones and picture capabilities then. Keep in mind, tiny town, prominent family, and my uncle  worked for the US President. 

All of it was great news for me, though! Now the focus was on this nasty divorce. But leaving my mother was the best thing that ever happened to my dad.

Some Help

My grandmother was very sick, but she did try to help me. She helped me buy a house and talked to me as much as she could. I brought my son to visit her when she was very sick. He was the only great grandchild either would ever see, but my grandfather threw me out of the house and told me never to come back so I didn’t.

Pregnant & Abused


Psalm 18:32: The God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.



In the meantime, life at my home could not be worse. The first time he hit me I was pregnant. He convinced me it was my fault, after all, my own family couldn’t stand me. He was right, so I believed him, it was my fault. He will never do it again, but I must make some changes. After my son was born, a short two months after we were married, things got worse and worse.

He worked the night shift and rarely came home in the morning. We lived in a dry county but with all the bootleggers and moonshine you could ever want. In the next county were some of the roughest bars in the country. He used me for bait a time or two in those bars. Sat me on a bar stool and went across the room waiting for someone to hit on me, I was 17. He would then beat the crap out of me in the parking lot. It drew a crowd, but no one intervened, more proof it was all my fault.

The first brutal beating was the scariest thing I have ever encountered. At that time, I weighed maybe 110 lbs. He punched me in the nose and blood went everywhere, it knocked me backwards and I hit my head on the coffee table. I knew my nose was broken. I screamed and cried and begged. 

He dragged me around by my hair until I had bald spots. He kicked me in the ribs and stomped on my face. I thought he was going to kill me. The more I begged, the worse the beating got. It lasted about two hours and then he sat down on the couch and passed out drunk. My offense? I had burned the soup, that’s what brought on the beating. I needed to be sure I never did that again. So, who do I tell, where do I go for help? Nowhere. I was embarrassed, everything mom had said was true, he reinforced that.

Psychological Manipulation


Deuteronomy 31:6: Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.


Some abusers are very smart, everything they say has a bit of truth to it, so, you believe them. And after a while, it all becomes logical. You are worthless, even your family cannot stand you, you are so ugly, anyone who fucks you would have to be really drunk. He even put a brown grocery bag over my head and raped me once. He said he couldn’t even get hard if he had to look at me.

The beatings continued regularly and more and more often and more and more severe. I always had black eyes, bruises, bald spots, burn marks and fat lips. Makeup did not cover the damage. I told myself it didn’t hurt and didn’t matter, I needed to be better, I just didn’t know how. He would tell me I was fat, so I lost weight, then he would say I looked like a refugee, so I would gain, now, yes, too fat again.  His friends saw me and knew what was going on. I had no friends, they all abandoned me when I got pregnant.. you know, the scandal.

Parents Divorce Continues

My parent’s divorce was in full swing and mom decided she better gather allies so for the first time in my life she was being nice to me. That was very scary. My brother said she wanted to take my son away from me so she could get more money from dad and she wanted us all to turn on him. I loved him. I would never turn on him. I soon realized he, too, was a long-time victim of verbal abuse.

The Beatings Continue - The Worthless Cops

My husband continued to abuse me. I no longer cried, I no longer begged, I just took my medicine. The first time he stabbed me he had already beaten me so badly that I was bleeding from both ears, and my nose. He knocked out a tooth, both eyes were swollen shut and he had stabbed me in the back.

I called the police. I needed help, I wanted help, I wanted out of this mess. They arrived and I swear, I thought this was the end, I was going to be saved and taken away and he would be dealt with. Instead, these two cops, whom I had known all my life, asked him what I had done. He was so drunk he couldn’t stand up. One cop said to me, “Susan, you need to do better, why do you piss him off so much? You need to learn to keep your mouth shut and give him what he wants. Just be better, we don’t want to have to come back.”  He turned to my husband and said, “I always thought she was cute, you lucky dog.” They left and he beat me with the butt of a rifle. At that point I wondered how long till I died.

But I wanted to live for my son. He was right, it was my fault, even the cops said so. I had tried to talk to his mother but she reinforced that he was a good man and she was disappointed in me that I drove him to this behavior.

Stabbed Again; Still No Help from Cops

He stabbed me two other times. I never went to the hospital for any of my injuries. After one ass beating he left and got into a fight with someone and got arrested. The local sheriff, a big fat asshole, stereotypical chauvinistic cop, called me to come get him. I asked him to please leave him in jail, I was hurt and knew my ribs were broken and he told me I had to come get him. So, I limped in, bleeding and bruised, the Sheriff said, “You just can’t do better can you? I guess you will never learn. You pissed him off and he went out and got in trouble, he’s all yours.” Great.

Shot in the Face

The next time I saw that sheriff I was in the intensive
care unit at the hospital. I had been really sick and so was my son. We both had pneumonia. I had no car, well, I did, but he had it. I called my mom and begged her to take my son to the emergency room. He was 3 1/2 months old. She bitched and complained but she did take my son to the hospital.


Meanwhile, he came home drunk. I had hidden the gun because things had escalated, and I guess I knew it was coming. He wanted the gun because he said he was going to go and kill my cousin. The gun was a .22 caliber revolver loaded with magnum rounds. I didn’t know why but I certainly wasn’t gonna let that happen so I wouldn’t give it to him. I paid the price. By far, this was one of the worst beatings I had ever gotten. I took it, never crying, never begging him to stop, until I was sure that my cousin would probably be home. I decided I had to make him stop hitting me so I figured I would give him the gun and then call my cousins’ mother. I would tell her, and she could call the police because they would do something if she called, so my cousin would be safe, and they would arrest him.

A Wonderful Place to Die


Luke 12:25-26: And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?




Boy, I called that one wrong. I gave him the gun and he turned it on me and shot me at close range in the face. He got me in the right cheek. I don’t remember falling but I was on the ground. I thought my ear was gone and oddly enough, I was worried about an antique glass bookcase behind me that was my great grandfather’s. I remember looking at him through bloody eyes. He grabbed me, saying get up, get in the car. He picked me up and threw me in the car and drove me to the local medical center and dumped me out on the front lawn. Dang! That cold wet grass felt so good on my body that was now on FIRE. What a wonderful place to die! The Ides of March.

But no, all of a sudden, I feel hands on me and hear all kinds of talking and all sorts of chaos. They are trying to look at the back of my head, I didn’t know why then, now I know they were looking for an exit wound. There was none. They were not equipped for this, so I was transported to another hospital in a larger nearby town. The ambulance attendant was my dad’s friend, and he held my hand and kept telling me I was going to be ok, he was not going to leave me. Wow, it seemed like he cared. I couldn’t talk or see, but I remember this like it was yesterday. Years later, at my dad’s funeral he told me he was sure he would be the last one to talk to me and wanted me to be comforted.

Life Expectancy = 30 Minutes

They rushed me in and the nurse told the other nurse to prop me up so I didn’t choke on my own blood. They had no idea where the bullet had lodged at this point, they just knew there was no exit wound. I heard her say that I would be dead in 30 minutes so, just close the door and come back later to declare me dead. 30 minutes. Okay, I thought, it’s over, I am so fucking glad. But the pain, damn the fucking pain was horrible. By now it had been about three hours since I was shot… the fucking pain. How about some pain meds… really, something, anything. I could barely see the clock but I was watching every second…. Come on 30 minutes. Come the fuck on!

Not That Sheriff Again


John 1:9: "The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.



Well, I didn’t die and they finally came back after about 50 minutes to pronounce me dead. They called in the doctor who shot me up with painkillers through my pants, they had not even taken me out of my bloody clothes yet. Finally, some relief from the pain. 

The next thing I remember is the fat-ass idiot sheriff standing by my bed in the ICU shaking me to wake me up. When I saw him, I thought I was dead and in hell. He said, “What in the world have you done now? I need you to sign this.” I couldn’t talk or see and hell, I was drugged out of my mind, and it still hurt to even breathe, so I signed it to get rid of him. I am thinking, it’s over, I am free from him, he will go to jail, and I can divorce him and live happily ever after.

 

I was in the hospital for 10 days. My only visitor was my cousin. He showed up on day four. He was the brother to the cousin my ex wanted to kill that day; I never told them that. He got me paper and a pencil so I could communicate. I wanted a shower, so when no one was looking, my darling, sneaky cousin carried me, tubes, IVs and all to the shower down the hall, stripped me down and gave me the best shower I have ever had in my life and washed my long, curly, bloody hair. I didn’t even care that I was naked in front of him. He convinced me to look in the mirror saying it wasn’t as bad as I probably thought it was.


What the hell, I’m alive, I am gonna have to look at myself sooner or later. My cousin had to hold me up. We both were just completely fascinated by the effect this had on my body.  We were both 17 years old. My boobs were part of my face, it looked like my neck had nipples, the entire front of my body was different shades of purple, and my back and ass were as black as night. I had both ears, which I was sure I was short one, but my face was so swollen, they were recessed into the sides of my face, and my face looked like a big fat blob with slits, my mouth was swollen shut and I had this big BLACK something all over the right side of my face. What the fuck was that? Wash that shit off now! Scrub it! The pain was excruciating but it would not come off. Powder burns, all over one side of my face. A solid black shiny powder burn all over the right side of my face, my ear and part of my neck. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse, a big black scar. The first thing I saw every morning and the last thing I saw every night for 32 years. By the way, it is now referred to as “traumatic tattooing”, yeah that makes me feel better. 

I remember the shock when they told me the bullet would not be removed. I wanted it out, but it was lodged in my neck against my spine, and they said that removing it was way too risky.

He is Not in Jail!?

My uncle called right when I got back to the room to tell me he had gotten my ex out of jail a couple days before. I couldn’t talk but what the fuck? Turns out, after he dumped me on the hospital lawn, he turned himself in to the sheriff telling him it was an accident. He thought I was going to die so he covered his ass… BRILLIANT. And now it dawned on me, the paper I signed that night in ICU…  I had signed that this was an accident. And this fine upstanding family, pillars of the community, could never let the town know they had stood by and let this all happen to me, so yes, it was an unfortunate accident.

Abandoned

The hospital staff told me I was being released, after 10 days, they needed to know who to contact to pick me up, but I still couldn’t talk. I wrote down my mom and my dad’s numbers. The next day they rolled me down to the lobby and left me there, holding a bag of bloody clothes, my paper and pencil that my cousin gave me, still in a hospital gown, looking like a character from a horror story.


And I waited, and waited, and waited and no one came. A nurse came over after about two hours and asked me if I wanted to go back to my room. I wrote down that I was waiting to be picked up. She looked at the file and called my next of kin..guess who. His parents came and got me and took me back to him. I could barely stand up, much less walk, so I was stuck.

No one else wanted me or would help me. Immediately my mom started court proceedings. She was taking custody of my son, claiming that I was unfit.

Recovering from Gunshot


Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.



After eight months of therapy, I could open my mouth, the swelling was mostly gone, the bruising stayed longer than I expected but was mostly gone. I fully expected stretch marks on my neck but there were none. The dark spots, the traumatic tattooing from the close-range gunshot was bad. No way to get it off.

More Abuse

The beatings, stabbings and burning continued. He had trouble getting an erection and of course, he said that was my fault, so I got my ass beat for that more than once. That was okay though; I would rather take the beating than to have him fuck me so it worked out. He said the scar on my face was hideous, as if I wasn’t ugly enough without it.

Cigarette Lighter

The worst burn torture that I endured was caused by a car cigarette lighter. The more you held the lighter in to heat it up, the hotter it got. Those little lighters can heat up to 800 degrees or more. Human flesh begins to burn at 118 degrees.


One day he wanted beer. I still wasn’t cleared to drive six months after the shooting because my eyes had not yet cleared up all the way but he wanted me to take him to get beer. So off we go. I had to pee so bad so I convinced him to let me go pee. I still looked pretty bad, swollen and bruised.

We stopped at a full service gas station with an attendant at the pumps. I got out and the guy gave me the lady’s room key. He checked the oil and put gas in the car. I came back and my husband was steaming mad saying I was flirting with the attendant. Seriously? I got into the car and started down the road and he came around with a full beer in his right hand and hit me square in the face with it. I saw stars and not to mention, he hit me in the part of my face where I had been shot. The pain was, well, indescribable. I threw on the breaks just before going off into the river. He accused me of trying to kill him and took the car lighter that was hotter than cherry red, and smacked it down, right between my legs, just above my vagina. Polyester was popular then and that was what my shorts were made of. They melted to my skin, and it sizzled for, well, it seemed like a very long time.

Every form of abuse hurt, but burns were always the worst. My arms were always covered in burns and blisters, and a stabbing scar. The burns always took forever to heal, and this one was no exception.  I wasn’t allowed to go to the doctor. I couldn’t even wear panties for a very long time. I used tweezers and pulled cloth out of that burn for several days. That was so very sore. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down. Hell, it hurt to breathe, it hurt no matter what. I sat with ice on it, and of course, he made fun of me. That is a very ugly scar and another reason to make me uglier. It finally healed after about three months. It's a very nasty scar.

My Suicide Plan - Disrupted by a Burglary

Peter 5:7: Casting all your anxieties on him, because He cares for you.



I began having suicidal ideations and planning my demise. I had several ideas, none sounded good. By this time, I was almost 20 years old. This does not happen overnight, it’s a process. Just as I was ready to put my plan into place to get out, our house was burglarized. We had gone out on Easter Sunday evening about 8:30 PM, which was unusual for us to be together like that. We returned home around 10 PM. and the front door had been kicked in. They cut the wires to the stereo speakers but didn’t take them. They took my son’s, pink plastic piggy bank full of change, they took a few other things but left a gun on the coffee table along with a bag of weed.

I realized that my very large dog had most likely scared them off.  I told my husband "I’m calling the police." Of course, he didn’t want to, but I didn’t care. They came ---blah-blah -blah, "... we will take a report, the stuff will never be recovered…blah-blah-blah". That was about midnight, but at 1:30 AM we got a call from the Sheriff’s office. Two men had been pulled over in a nearby town for drunk driving and they had my stuff in the car with them. The pink piggy bank was a clue. These guys were people my husband knew…of course they were.

The next day I got a call from the district attorney, whose family were our neighbors in the old neighborhood, so I knew him well. He wanted to be sure we would follow through on this, and I assured him we would. My suicide will have to wait.

Meanwhile, after the burglary, I had found a receipt lying in our yard for a traffic ticket for a man from another county. I didn’t know the person whose name was on the receipt and neither did my husband, so I just laid the receipt on the shelf and forgot about it.

The Burglars....were also Murderers!?

A few days later, the district attorney called back and asked me if we would be willing to hold off on these burglary charges because these guys were suspected of murdering a man in another town before they broke into my house. He wanted to be sure that we would still press charges in case they were not able to charge and convict them of this murder and oh yes, they needed to cut open the piggy bank and count the money. The amount of money in the piggy bank would help determine the burglary charges. "Yes, whatever, but I want my stuff back". Damn, I can’t even plan my own death here.

Then it occurred to me that I had found the receipt. I called the district attorney back and told him I was coming to his office. With heavy makeup to try to hide the scar and the new shiner I had gotten the night before; off I go to the DA’s office. I gave him the receipt and he verified this traffic ticket had been issued to the dead man. In their haste to leave my property, the murderers had unwittingly dropped that paper in my yard

I knew that the receipt would ensure a conviction, maybe, or at the very least, it was compelling evidence. The killers had picked this poor guy up hitchhiking, robbed him, stabbed him, and dumped his body in a ditch. They took his wallet and went through it, took the few dollars he had and threw the wallet out, but not before this receipt fell onto the floor of their car, and subsequently, onto my lawn when they got out to burglarize my house.

Now I must see this through, I must stay with him to get these shit bags off the street. My civic duty.  One of them had only been out of prison for three weeks. Too bad I wasn’t home alone that night, they may have killed me too and solved my problem.

The time came for the trial and the district attorney had to get his ducks in a row. He had no jurisdiction in the county of the homicide, but he was involved because of our burglary. He called me and I assured him I would testify, to which he replied, “No you won’t, he (my husband) will.” Well, he flatly refused till the district attorney had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with him and for some reason, he then decided to testify.

The DA then told me I must attend the trial because he wanted to be sure my husband told the truth and nothing but the truth, but I would have the protection of a police officer during the proceedings. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I guess this was his way of protecting me from the killers. Gee thanks, how about protecting me from my shit-bag husband?  The receipt for the traffic ticket was the defining factor for the conviction. Each of the killers got 25 years.  Now, back to the business of getting out of this marriage.

Renewed Suicidal Ideations...With a Written Plan

After I took my son to mom’s, I wrote a suicide note and put all of my husband’s clothes in black garbage bags. I got the gun and put it on the table.  I made sure it was when he was sober and I told him, here is the suicide note, no one will ever suspect you had anything to do with it. I am too chicken to do it, but you can. This time, kill me, please.

He said, “Oh I love you, if you could only be/do better…blah blah blah….” "No" I said, "I cannot do better, either kill me and go along with the suicide or get the fuck out of my house".

So, he left, and I hightailed it to my uncles’ law partner and asked him for help with a divorce. He was more than happy. I paid him $250.00, on time and asked for a closed chamber meeting with the judge, who lived in my childhood neighborhood. Living in the small town was, for once, paying off. Within four weeks, I was in the judge’s office and when we walked thru the door he said, "It’s about time, you're divorced, don’t get married for 30 days or he could contest it and if you have any trouble let me know and I will throw his sorry ass under the damn jail.” Really Judge, I thought, why now?

Starting a New Life...Not so Fast!


Isaiah 38:17: Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back.


And so a new chapter began, or so I thought. I was working in a nearby town. I got a ride with people who worked there because he took my car. Well, mom got my other car in the divorce because it was in dad’s name, even though I paid for it and the insurance was on the company fleet policy. Mom seized all Dad’s assets, everything. I bought him groceries till the dust settled.

When mom took my car,  a sheriff’s deputy, who I went to school with, came with a warrant to take the car. At the time I had two black eyes, a broken nose and some broken ribs, I was in no shape to talk to him, much less argue, so off went my car, never to return.

Anyway, I had bought another car, which he took when he left. He had no driver’s license, never did, yet the cops knew this and saw him driving all the time, mostly drunker than a sow in a peach orchard.

Gunfire, Burglary, Arson - Worthless Restraining Order

I managed to get another car but, in the meantime, he was shooting out the windows at the house, breaking in, burning my furniture, etc. No one cared. I had a restraining order against him, but you may as well wipe your ass on it. It didn’t make a bit of difference and the cops didn’t care. They said they couldn’t prove it was even him. Their attitude was that I should stop being so dramatic.

Death Threats

I was 20 years old. I worked from four 'till midnight. He called and said he was going to kill me before I got home. I called the police. I lied and told them I had car trouble and asked if I could leave my car at the police station overnight. The officer said yes. My plan was to get my son to someplace safe before I died.

My only friend, Sarah, was married to my husband’s friend Slim: Not the best choice of friends, but my only choice so I called her and asked her if she would pick me up and take me to get my son. "Don’t tell your husband" I said. I had never told anyone anything about my situation, but apparently, everyone knew.

I waited for Sarah at the police station.

Detective: “He Would Just be a Deadman”


Proverbs 19:11: Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.



I went inside the police station, and a detective was there whom I had known all my life in our small town. He was a wonderful man and a friend of my dad’s. He took me into his office and closed the door.

“What’s up? he asked.

"Nothing" I replied, "I have car trouble."

He said, ”You do, huh?"

"Yes" I said, "My friend Sarah is coming to pick me up. I can wait outside if you are busy."

"I’m not" he replied, "You stay right here till they come. Where did you get that black eye?"

"I fell" I lied. "Dad always said I could trip over my own shadow."

He skeptically said, "Interesting. I never knew a star basketball player could be clumsy."

I said, "Well, I guess I am."

He was playing with a pencil. I was a nervous wreck, but all of a sudden, a calm came over me. The detective had steely blue eyes that were boring into me, and I was busting.

I finally said, “What would happen to me if I killed him?” I was thinking, here we go, I am going to jail!

He stopped with the pencil, leaned closer to me and said, “Sweetheart, he would just be a Deadman.”

Wait, I thought...What??? So, my life could be important? I decided right then I was going to kill my ex-husband.

A Ride to Safety - Or Maybe Not

At that point my friend Sarah pulled up, but she brought her husband, Slim. I got in their car and sat on Slim's sawed-off shotgun. Nothing to see here because that was normal around here, still is. We went to school with rifle racks full of guns in the back windows of our trucks and cars.

Slim was an interesting man. He was already in his 30s. He was a card shark and brilliant. He worked in HVAC and I saw high profile businessmen at my house, men I had known all my life, friends with my dad, for three days straight, playing cards with him and with him winning tens of thousands of dollars over and over, yet they continued to play with him. The definition of insanity, no doubt. They really thought they could beat him. Slim was very handsome, made of very sturdy stock and known to be tougher than railroad tracks. He was well respected and feared, and I loved him, but he was my husband’s friend, not mine.

As we drove, Sarah had a deer in the headlight look and neither of them would talk to me. I’m chattering away, "I have car trouble, take me to pick up my son and take me home." Nothing, not a word, damn, then I realized, I am gonna die for sure.

Slim picked up my son and took me to their house. By now, the gig is up, I am crying and begging Slim to take me home. I told him that my ex will come to his house and kill me in front of my son, please, Slim, take me home, please just take me home.

Still not a word from Sarah or Slim but I could see Slim was getting madder and madder. We went to their house, and I was beyond afraid, when there was a knock on the door. It was my ex. I was begging Slim not to answer the door. "Please Slim, don’t answer the door, and if you do, please don’t tell him I am here".

Slim answered the door. "Yes, she’s here. I’ll send her out". It’s over I was thinking, this is where it ends.

I handed my son to Sarah and said, "Please don’t let him hurt him." and I headed to the door. I couldn’t even look at Slim and he was beyond pissed. What have I done? I should have never called Sarah. Slim grabbed my arm, and said, “You are going out, but hold on.” Slim opened the door and said, "Here she is, but if you touch one fucking hair on her head, I will kill you with my bare hands." Twice in one day, someone had been on my side. TWICE..in one day. 

I decided right then, I was definitely going to kill my husband.

"Daddy I Need a Gun"

I called my daddy and told him I needed a gun, and he told me to come to the office. He gave me a .38 snub nose and a box of ammo. He told me I had shot this gun before and asked if I remembered how to use it, I did. He told me never pull it unless I intended to kill someone, if I pull it, empty it. He also reminded me that I had always been around guns and that he had taught me at a very young age how to shoot and gun safety. He reminded me that I was a confident markswoman and to not be afraid to use my judgment. First and foremost, use it to protect yourself if you have no other choice. He then told me; "You have no choice". He never asked me why I needed it, of course that released him from any liability, no matter what I did with the gun. "Thanks, Daddy, I love you."

The Hunted Becomes Hunter

Next stop, call him and tell him I am going to kill him. Premeditated, yes, but I was thinking that I am a dead woman walking anyway so I didn’t really care. I was already dead inside at the ripe old age of 20. I no longer knew how to laugh or even smile. I was pathetic.

His mother answered the phone and said he wasn’t home. I asked her to give him a message for me.

"Just tell him, I am going to kill him".

She told me if I did that, I would go to a fiery hell and live in eternity with Satan.

"TOO FUCKING LATE!!!” I said, “I AM ALREADY IN HELL!"

Her only comment, “Nice language.”

"FUCK YOU!!"

Understand that where I was raised, in the middle of the Bible Belt, we rarely heard a cuss word. Rarely, and never from a woman, never!!! Scandalous!! Add it to the fucking list.

He backed off for a while but somehow, I knew he was always out there somewhere and was probably trying to get me to let my guard down.

Another Car Tragedy

Meanwhile, Slim had been involved in a deadly car accident. His wife Sarah and I were both working in town. Slim and his friend were in a car when an elderly couple crossed the yellow line and hit them head on. Slim’s car exploded in flames. Hikers saw the accident and were able to get Slim out. His passenger was dead on impact.

Sarah got the call so off we went to the hospital. Roads were blocked off, so it took some begging and convincing the police to let us go but they did. I was driving like a bat of hell and we beat the ambulance to the hospital. They rolled him right past us and neither one of us recognized him. He survived, but barely. He was hospitalized for over a month. Slim, who had become my protector, was now in a horrible state. God, please don’t let his man die.

My Son is Missing

My ex’s mother wanted to see my son, so I agreed, but wanted him back by four PM. She promised. Four PM came and went. By seven PM I was in an all-out panic. She had let my ex take him. What the hell was I going to do? Where was he? I called Sarah to see if she or Slim knew anything, no, nothing. Around nine PM I got a call from the bartender at this dilapidated shack they called a bar. This shithole of a bar was just over the next county line and was a very rough place. Lots of shootings and always trouble.

I still do not know how the bartender found out who I was or how to get in touch with me but thank God he did. My ex had left my son, who was two and a half years old on a barstool. Immediately I was thinking, this is a trap. Normally, Slim would have gone with me but now what? I had to go alone. It was a 30-minute drive. I asked the bartender to please keep him there and if he came back, stall him and not to let him take my son. The guy was decent and said he would keep him in the back room and tell him he was already picked up. He told me who he was with and what they were driving.  NEVER AGAIN!!! After this, Slim babysat for my son. My baby had never been safer.

Tired & Worn

I was so tired, I was so worn out, mentally and physically. I had lost 2 jobs because of him. I was having some residual problems from the gunshot, including dental problems. Financially I was having trouble putting food on the table and had very little way to even pay for a dentist. The pain was horrible. My tongue was on fire. My self-diagnoses told me there had to be some nerve damage in my mouth which took the pain to my tongue.

Victim Blaming

I went to see an oral surgeon. I needed $140.00 before the guy would even see me. May as well have been a million dollars, but I managed to scrape it together. I was explaining to this oral surgeon the issues. He could plainly see the teeth were loose and needed to be pulled. I explained to him that I had been shot in the face, thus the big, giant, black powder burn on my face and that my tongue was on fire from the pain. He looked at me and said, “You don’t need a dentist, you need to be committed. You have some serious mental issues and I cannot help you.” No doubt I have some issues, but what about my teeth? He took my $140.00 and sent me on my way, still with the teeth AND the pain. I finally found a dentist to pull them.

That was really the first time that I realized that victim blaming was the norm. I didn’t know it was called that at the time but that is exactly what it was. This takes a huge toll on your mental state. The victim blaming has been the most difficult to deal with throughout the years, and continues to haunt me. 

I Meet a New Man

I was going to a bar in a neighboring county after work, away from everyone who knew me and someplace I could just go, have a beer, and maybe dance a little, if anyone asked me. I made some friends who knew nothing about me. Refreshing. I was there one night when four guys came in. I thought I recognized one of them as a celebrity but couldn’t place him. His hair was tucked under his hat. He didn’t want to be recognized. No problem, neither did I.  I was used to seeing prominent musicians.

My dad had owned a country music show when I was in grade school. A well-known local girl who made it big is my cousin, and I went to the same high school as her. A well-known TV show filmed in the same town, so those performers were always around. I laid out of school on occasion and would go to the big city. Once when I was there, I ran into Elvis, so seeing celebrities was a common occurrence.

Back to these four guys…Someone bought me a drink; the bartender told me it was from one of the guys that had just come in. I refused to take it. It wasn’t long till I was approached by one of them. He said his buddy had bought me a drink and wanted to know why I wouldn’t take it. No strings, just a drink. "No thanks, I’ll buy my own drinks". He left, came back a few minutes later and said, “My friend would like for you to join us at our table” 

My curiosity got the best of me. What in the hell could he possibly want from me except a quick piece of ass? I would not go to his table, instead we sat at the end of the bar and talked for about two hours. He said that he had been through some really rough times, and he said he was going home for a much-needed break. He wanted to see his mother and asked me to go to Florida with him. Did he know I had the kid? Okay, now I guess I better tell him the whole story about my ex, the abuse and the stalking. This should have him running and screaming away from me like his hair was on fire. It didn’t phase him. 

He said he could help me and keep me safe. He had a two-family house and he said my son and I could have one side. He would stay in the other side, and his mother lived around the corner. No strings. I told him I would need a job and he assured me he had work for me. An offer I could not refuse.

Relocation, Relief & Laughter

By now, it is the early morning hours. We stopped by my apartment and got my stuff, got my son, and left. He rode with me while his three friends followed us. I will never forget hitting that state line. This was the first time I was breathing; I mean, I was breathing! I started laughing, laughing uncontrollably, laughing, for the first time in, hell, I didn’t know when the last time I laughed. I had tears in my eyes and my ribs hurt. I had to pull over and get out of the car. By now, he was laughing too and so was my son. His friends pulled over too and now they are laughing! No one knew why, not even me, but we were laughing. We laughed and laughed.

I was on the side of the road, in another state, with this famous guy, three of his friends and all I could do was laugh. Every time I looked at him, I busted out laughing again.  I was alive, I lived through it, I was alive, wow! Did I just wake up from a nightmare? Laugh, Susan, laugh! It’s so much better than crying or having no emotions at all. No emotions at all, yes, those days were over.

Healing and Gaining Confidence


Matthew 22:37-39: And he said to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.


That move away from my home town was pivotal for me in my healing process. As the time passed, he made me feel valuable. He helped me gain some confidence. I refused to take anything without working for it, so I did work for him and after about a month, he had moved into my side of the house. I made it very clear; I was not his girlfriend. It was a fun time and My son had it made.

We had a pool in the backyard, we lived on the beach and his mother was a wonderful, loving person who loved her son very much and therefore, loved and cared for who he had chosen to be with. She had a 9 to 5 and I worked for her as well. I helped her around the house. I cooked and cleaned and did laundry and worked the bars when he performed. I truly earned my keep. He told me I worked too much, but I didn’t want a handout. I really enjoyed taking care of him and  he was very grateful. Most women took advantage of him. They were with him to get what they could, I was different, and he appreciated that.

This relationship was never meant to last, I knew this from the start and so did he. I loved him very, very much; I still do, and he loved me. We were not in-love so that made this so much more fun and so much better.

Lingering Issues

The only issue we ever had was when my crazy sister gave my ex-husband’s mother my address. I got a letter from her telling me I was terrible for taking my son away from them and I needed to come back and face the problems I had created. She went on to say my ex was coming to get my son. (I had full custody, and he had no rights to him at all after the Shit-hole bar incident.) We notified the local police, and they advised that I not respond, which I had no intention of doing anyway. He immediately put a bodyguard on me, (Milo, I loved him, big giant teddy bear) and told me I was never to go anywhere without him. He moved him in next door, and we moved in, temporarily with his mother. We stayed there about three weeks. Milo stayed around.

Moving On...Again

This arrangement lasted about a year.  Some of the people around him were not the best role models for children, and I decided it was time to move on. I felt safer now and had more confidence and he needed to make some changes. He needed to get back to some serious work. His drinking was escalating. We had a heart to heart, and he understood. He helped me find a place to live and told me he could always be reached through his mother and if I ever needed anything, call her. I knew I had a lifeline if I ever needed it. We parted ways. Bittersweet. He left the state and I stayed.

I was on my own, with a young child. A single mom, unheard of at the time. I was 21. I was okay with that. I was doing okay, I had survived it, now it was time to move on. Like Tina Turner said, I gave him my past, I get my future.

Homeless

Not long after I moved out and settled in, the apartment was sold, and we were all evicted so that is when I lived in my car.  We showered on the beach. There was a drive in theatre that had been turned into a drive in church..I know, right? I parked there at night. I finally saved enough to get moved into a place. It was a dump, but it was a place, and it was on the beach. A plus for My son and me. I made some really good, lifelong friends there and met my 2nd husband there. 


I wanted nothing to do with men except for an occasional hook up. Men were trouble and I was very bad at relationships so I wanted to avoid that and had decided at the ripe old age of 21 that I would never marry again.  I had a couple drinks one night and was looking for a one-night stand. I got a little too close to home with this one and slept with a guy that lived in the same complex.

Second Marriage

I dove straight into another doomed relationship but completely different than the first one. At age 24, I met and married my second husband. It started as a one-night stand. He lived in the same apartment complex as I when we got together. We subsequently moved to another state.

I earned a college degree and I started a highly successful business that included individual, celebrity, high profile and corporate clients, many of whom remain my friends today.

We had one child together. I have two children born seven years apart. He was a good father, a hard worker and a good provider. But my second husband had issues with alcohol, jealousy about my past relationship with the singer/celebrity and he was verbally abusive and never fully understood my prior domestic violence situation and was a master at gaslighting. 

On the outside, it was the picture-perfect marriage so I had to let that go. Everyone, including my two children were shocked when I left. I was so good at covering for him and hiding the problems. That’s what you do, right? You do not air your dirty laundry.  The most difficult thing I ever did in my life was leave him, the easiest thing I ever did in my life was stay gone. We divorced after being together for 39 years.

I Didn't Want PTSD

Of course, there are some issues, I just don’t know what they are. I never got therapy, never had the time or money. There were no resources for that sort of thing back then. I am almost glad about that. I really believe that under the right circumstances and for certain people, it could be very beneficial, maybe. I just never did. I always felt like I needed to put my big girl panties on and get over it. That was then and this is now. I think it is most beneficial to talk about it with people who may have been in the same situation. Unfortunately, most often it turns into a one-up situation. He did this to me..well, that’s nothing, he did THIS to me. That is not helpful.


Every time I went to a doctor, or even met a doctor, I always asked about getting the scar removed, and the bullet removed. As you fill out the plethora of info, I always had to mention the shooting, but it isn’t like they wouldn’t notice the elephant in the room- my face and the scar that adorned it. It seemed that every doctor I saw sent me immediately to X-Ray. Not so they could help me, just so they could see the bullet. I finally stopped that. I had one doctor tell me I should have PTSD. I told him I didn’t want PTSD. He said it isn’t that simple and proceeded to ask me a list of PTSD-related questions.

  • Do you ever have nightmares?

  • Do you get headaches?

  • Do you ever find yourself having anxiety with no logical explanation?

  • Do you suffer from insomnia?

  • Do you have tendencies to overreact to certain situations?

  • Do you have a fear of crowds?

  • Are you happier at home than in other places?

  • Do you have trust issues?

  • Have you ever considered suicide?


Okay, back up Doctor. Let’s talk about this. No, a simple yes or no answer is all that is required.  Put your prescription pad away, blink the dollar signs out of your eyes and let’s talk, if not, we are done here. I wouldn’t give a “Simple yes or no answer” to the doctors list of questions; but I took the list to ponder.

Removing that Bullet - 32 Years Later 

Three decades after the shooting I met a neurosurgeon who agreed to try to remove the bullet. I can't take any opioids, none. I have a terrible allergy to them. The day before my scheduled surgery, the neurosurgeon said, "I brought you here to try to talk you out of having the surgery tomorrow because I cannot manage your pain. I am out of options, I thought I could come up with something, but I can't. Please call it off. " I refused to call it off and gave him the go-ahead.


I was nervous. I had also been told that the surgery could paralyze me or kill me. The surgery was the absolute worst pain I have ever had in my life...ever. No pain meds, I hope no one ever has to feel that, ever. The whole thing was and is surreal. 

Bullet Necklace

Ultimately the surgery was successful in removing the bullet. I had the bullet made into a necklace. The bullet is surrounded by colored diamonds.  The purple diamonds signify the DV colors the amethyst are used for the healing of wounds. The aquamarine diamonds symbolize hope, happiness and protection.


Nightmares & Surgeries

I do have nightmares. Doesn’t everyone? Are mine worse? Hell, a nightmare is a nightmare. How could mine be worse than yours or vice versa?  I have had nightmares so bad that I was afraid to go pee by myself. I have awoken while trying to scream out in the middle of the night, (the ability to scream was taken away with the shooting. It damaged my vocal cords and to date, I have had eight surgeries on them) I have awoken in a cold sweat, but I always can talk myself down. A few times I would wake up my 2nd husband and ask him to take me to pee. This was fairly rare, so I am going with nothing I can’t handle.

Headaches

Do I get headaches? Yes, I have sinus damage from the gunshot, which I eventually had surgery for, I have a paralyzed vocal cord, as I previously said, robbing me of my ability to scream, a fucking bullet lodged in my spine, my teeth are loose and the pain is constant, (finally fixed),  I can’t turn my head to the right, I rarely swallow without getting choked, I have ugly repulsive scars all over my body, some of which are in very embarrassing locations, not to mention the big black powder burn all over the right side of my face, neck and ear, in case you hadn’t noticed.  I am a single mother with no family support, my son is hungry most of the time and he could really use a new pair of shoes and so could I, and I have a stressful job. I’m gonna say “Yes,” but these headaches are a logical part of life. So, nothing I can’t handle or don’t understand.

Reflections

Susan’s experiences provided her with unique insights into domestic violence. Here are some of her thoughts.

Stages of Abuse - Resignation

In my experience there were at least four distinct stages of domestic violence, and the stages happened to me over time.

  1. Don’t ever hit me or lay a hand on me again. This is when he begins to convince you that you have done something wrong. You made him do it. He cannot believe you pushed him that far. Victim’s response: I am so sorry. I will do better I promise.

  2. I can’t do better, I have tried. He is right about everything. Poor guy, having to put up with me. If I am quiet, maybe that will help. I will try harder to be a better wife. I am ashamed and I don’t want everyone to know how horrible I am.  I am just bad. Shut up and take your medicine.

  3. No matter how hard I try, I can’t do better. I am a horrible person and no one else would put up with me. I just need to survive. If you can manage to live through the beatings, no one will ever know that you have pushed him to this. No one will know how awful I am. I must stay alive for my son.

  4. I give up. I want to die. Why doesn’t he just kill me and get it over with? He can’t leave me because he says he loves me. I am going to leave him. He has told me over and over he will kill me if I leave. I am ready to die. Surely someone will take care of my son.

Anxiety, Fear & Triggers

Do I have anxiety sometimes? Hell yes, who doesn’t, moving on.

Do I have insomnia? Yes, (kinda counteracts the nightmare stuff, but okay, I’ll play) I do have trouble sleeping sometimes. I can fall asleep but cannot stay asleep. I still don’t need your medicine. I have had this all my life, but nice try.

Do I have a fear of crowds? I am more comfortable in smaller crowds, but nothing stops me if I want to go someplace.

Happier at home? We make our own happiness. I learned I need to fit in anywhere. I have to be comfortable in an evening dress dripping in diamonds or drinking beer at a tailgating party.  Like I said, you make your own happiness, the place does not matter.

Do I have trust issues? DUH.. But why is this a sign of something bigger? These issues can be logically explained. I know why I have them. It is self-preservation.

Suicide? If I was suicidal, I would be dead. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I decided these doctors that I saw are the ones that need help. They have to label everything and everyone. I am unique and they haven’t made a label for me, and I don’t need to be fixed by your drugs. I don’t have time or money.

To elaborate, there is no doubt that these abusive situations have long-term effects on you. There are so many issues. Trust is a big one. You are not crazy if these issues are logical. OF course I have trust issues. For real.

There are triggers, these are major and come out of nowhere and you react even before you think about it. You just must realize what has happened and talk yourself off the ledge. So many times, I have just excused myself from the situation, take a deep breath, grasp what happened, ask Jesus for help, and move on. This will work. I call this “situational therapy.” No one can bring this on in a therapy session, the only way you can deal with it is experiencing it. You will get better at dealing with it the more it occurs, and it will occur. Your personal coping methods will become second nature. On the other hand, if you are happy there, then it becomes a choice. This is the difference between being a victim and a survivor. At this point, you are away from the shitbag/situation, he/she cannot hurt you any more so now the choice is yours. Are you a victim or a survivor? Do you win or does he/she?

Advice to Others

  • Watch for red flags. Do not dismiss them. No relationship is perfect, but even at the worst possible moments, it should not be abusive, degrading or condescending.

  • Remember that you have learned some bad behavior as well and you must not turn into the abuser. It can go either way. For me, if it is ugly, I have heard it said to or about me and I never want to be the one that makes someone feel the way I felt. Thank you, Jesus.

  • Sometimes the victim of abuse does not want to believe any of these things are happening.

  • Don't create excuses and imagine justifications for all of the abuses.

  • Believe in yourself. Do not doubt yourself, you do not deserve to be mistreated.

  • If you have already been in an abusive relationship, be aware and know that it can happen again. Be proactive, not reactive.

  • The best advice I ever gave to myself was, "I might deserve it, but I am not taking it."

Signs of Abuse to Watch For

  • Embarrassing or putting you down.

  • Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you.

  • Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do.

  • Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families.

  • Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses.

  • Preventing you from making your own decisions.

  • Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children.

  • Preventing you from working or attending school.

  • Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening.

  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.

  • Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons.

  • Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you.

  • Attempting to stop you from pressing charges.

  • Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done.

  • Threatening to hurt or kill you

  • Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with—This bears some further discussion..

  • Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

  • Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready.

Manipulative Power & Control

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners. Most of the nasty things that come out of their mouth have a tiny bit of truth attached to them. For example: "Your own mother can’t stand you. "

Relationships

Relationship issues are the most difficult for me. As a survivor, I think I am at risk of letting it happen again. Some would say therapy could have prevented this, maybe, but I doubt it. I sometimes sought relationship advice from friends, none of whom were licensed mental health practitioners. Anyone I thought I could trust, proved me wrong. There is no one. 

Advice For Law Enforcement

I cannot stress this enough. The calls are dangerous, very, very dangerous!

Police, if you get a DV call, it may be just an argument between two adults, it may be physical or verbal abuse. Either way, someone is already seriously pissed off and they are even madder when LE shows up.  The LE presence elevates the severity of the situation immediately. Do not take this lightly. Most domestic terrorists have DV charges against them. Cuff them both when you arrive till you sort things out.

When interviewing victims, remove them from ear shot of the shitbag so he cannot hear what is being said. She cannot tell you anything if he is listening and she will lie.

If one cop, just one had told me I didn’t have to put up with this, if one cop asked me if I wanted out of there, did I want to leave? If one cop had said to him, you can’t hurt her, you can’t do this. If one cop said he would help me and protect me, I would have jumped into his arms, never to look back.

LE has resources, make sure the victims know this.  LE has the ability to make a difference, always. It may not seem like it and they may go back again and again to the same location for the same DV call but what you say does stick. If LE officers think it’s a bitch to go back to the same scene over and over, think about how terrible it is for the victim to go through this over and over.  Tell the victim about any assistance available to them. Keep saying it. Keep reinforcing the fact that they do not deserve it. THERE IS HOPE!

Law Enforcement - Please Take DV Calls Seriously

Most of all, take domestic violence calls seriously. I have a very good friend I have known since high school who was a sergeant with the sheriff’s dept where I was victimized. When we reconnected, I ripped him a new asshole because he was working there when I was going through this. I called him everything but an elephant fucker and I actually did eventually call him that too. After hearing my story, let’s say he was enlightened.

I spoke to him some time after I had vented my anger to him about my victimization. Having apparently learned from my story, he recounted an incident where his deputies got a DV call. The call involved a situation where a man punched a girl and maybe broke her hand. Ambulance was on the way. He asked his deputy for a list of charges and said he would meet the deputy at the jail for processing.  The deputy responded that the suspect was not being charged. The sergeant asked. ”And why not?” She said, "If I charge him, I may have to go to court on my day off."

The sergeant told the deputy, "Stay there, I am on the way. If you let him go, I will have your badge." The deputy subsequently got a week off without pay and a demotion to desk duty for mishandling the incident.

Shelter Programs & Victim Concerns

Battered women’s shelters need police protection from abusers who would try to visit the shelter. And when a woman is leaving, she often leaves with nothing, maybe not even a toothbrush. 

If she has a job, she worries about how she will get to work. Will he show up at her job, possibly putting others in danger? I lost two jobs because they didn’t want to deal with him stalking and threatening me and others. It disrupts the business.  

Where will she get clothes? Most shelters have access to clothing to help, for example, In the Phoenix, Arizona Fresh Start Program for victims of DV.

If there are children, she worries about them getting to and being safe in school or being cared for. Most shelters have some support for this. Someone needs to be able to answer some of these concerns. Believe me when I tell you, she wants to leave. 

Most often, the victim will stay because she feels like she has no choice. She is also very aware of every threat he ever made. It is probable that he has not only threatened to kill her, but members of her family, the children and even the family pets as well. 

First responders need to be able to offer choices. At the very least encouragement. Like, “I don’t have all the answers but we will help you and get you the help and support you need to be and stay safe. You do not deserve this and this is not your fault.”

Advice for Medical Staff

Emergency rooms and trauma centers need to screen possible victims. My second husband was never, ever violent. Verbally abusive, yes but never violent. One morning I was going out for my daily hike and fell over the family dog, injuring my knee and breaking a bone in my hand. My husband took me to the ER. We are both in the room sitting there when the nurse comes in to assess me. What happened? I told her. She is typing all this in. Then, with him in the room, very nonchalantly she says, “Are you a victim of domestic violence or is this a result of domestic violence?” HE’S SITTING RIGHT HERE!! No! I am not and it’s a damn good thing because if I were you just signed my death warrant and how in the hell am I supposed to tell you with him sitting right here? DUMB ASS!!!! (I heard my husband under his breath say, Hut-oh…) She said she has to ask. I went off like a bottle rocket. This is unacceptable. 

Never, EVER should she have mentioned any of this with him within earshot. She had to ask, but she wanted the answer to be no because if it wasn’t no, she would have extra paperwork and would have to notify the authorities and go on record, and talk to the authorities and blah blah blah!!  and, God forbid, get someone the help they needed. They need to ask, but they have to ask them when they are alone with the potential victim, PERIOD.

What is some of the questionable advice that you have heard taught about DV?

I once attended a seminar being taught by one of the self-proclaimed, utmost authorities on DV. After the first 10 minutes, I realized that everything he knew, he read someplace or learned  from a therapist. He said something that caught my attention and that I disagreed with. He said, “Domestic violence victims are exactly like POWs.”

Here is why the I disagree with that statement and my opinions about how and why POW's differ from victims of domestic violence:

  • For the POW's who are initially taken by force, did not choose to go with their captors. They are aware that they are in severe danger. DV victims often begin in a relationship of mutual attraction and are unaware of the pending horrors.

  • POW's often have groups of supporters from their homeland, praying for their safe return. They have the support of almost everyone but their captures. DV victims are often alone and without any support.

  • POW's have negotiators bargaining for their safe return. Not so with DV victims.

  • Released POW's are often lauded as heroes. DV victims who escape often find themselves alone and without support, thus experiencing victim blaming.

  • Released POW's are often supported with after-care including family, clothes, jobs, medical attention and resources. DV victims must often fend for themselves.

  • Released POW's are not subsequently stalked by their captors like some DV victims.

  • I have never in my life heard anyone ask a POW, “Why didn’t you just leave him”?

  • I am in NO WAY diminishing the sacrifice made every single day by our military or the plight of POW's. It is simply the comparison that really bothered me.  I am not implying that a DV situation is worse than a POW situation, all I am saying is that they are very different and that the comparison between POW's and DV victims, in my opinion, is an inaccurate analogy.

Shooting After-Effects & Constant Reminders

The decades-long physical and psychological pain and reminders were with me for a long time. For years I couldn't turn my head over my right shoulder. Every second of every day, it felt like someone laid a hot branding iron on me. The pain was constant. Sometimes, the self doubt was paralyzing, and still can be. 

I was left with a large black scar on the side of my face; gunshot tattooing, also called gunshot stippling, the result of close-range gunpowder burns (not depicted). It gave the appearance of unwashed black dirt but it could not be cleaned off. I was self-conscious about the disfigurement and hated meeting anyone new.

Always, the first thing said was. "You have something all over the side of your face."

"No", I would reply "It's a scar." Then came the inevitable discussion.

"No" they would say, "It's a big black mark, like you rubbed carbon on your face."

"No, it's a scar." I would reply.

"What would make a scar like that?" ..and so it goes.

That disfiguring scar was the first thing I saw in the morning, the last at night, so yes, no doubt, that took a toll on my mental well-being.

Three decades after I was shot, the powder burns were removed via laser surgery and the bullet was removed from my neck, thus relieving the unending physical pain. I can now turn my head and there is no more burning around my neck and shoulders. The damage to my vocal cords was partially remedied by surgery. The nerve damage in my mouth and the sinus issues are still a problem. 

The victim blaming was and is the most damaging of all situations. When this happens, it brings to mind every negative horrible thing that has ever been said and done to me. All of it, the shooting, every single horrible word ever spoken, every single punch, every kick, every  stabbing, every burn and every threat that ever happened comes back like a sledgehammer on an anvil,  all right back in my mind and it is all very real. The abuser always blamed me for everything and now others are reinforcing this. This is paralyzing.

Why Didn’t You Just Leave?

I have been asked many times, “Why didn’t you just leave?” A common denominator of the abuser is they continue to tell the victim how terrible they are, how horrible they are, ugly, fat, skinny, etc. Why doesn’t anyone ever ask the abuser, “Why don’t YOU just leave her? If she is that terrible, why not leave?

Why didn’t I leave…asked hundreds of times, I wonder how many times HE was asked why didn’t he just leave,  when justifying beating the shit out of me all the time. I have that answer…ZERO.

There  are many reasons why DV victims stay but here are a few of the reasons.

  • Threats of Violence - They are repeatedly told he will kill them if they leave. 

  • Threats to Family - He will kill your family, children, pets, etc. 

  • No Resources/Options - Most often, they have no place to go, and no money.

  • Psychological Manipulation - Most importantly, they have been convinced that they deserve this, it’s all their fault and he is the victim for having to deal with them. 

  • Lack of Confidence: The victims’ self confidence is non-existent. So for any and all of the above reasons, they stay.  

What Happened to Him?


Romans 8:31-33: What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.



After the divorce from my abusive and evil first husband I learned that he was married three more times and was also abusive in those marriages. I was devastated to hear this. I was hoping it was just me because the thought of others enduring abuse is very difficult for me . Later in his life he was involved with drug trafficking, imprisoned, and died of cancer.

One day not long ago I was in a local cemetery visiting the graves of my relatives and unintentionally happened upon his headstone. To my surprise, I felt nothing but pity. No anger, no bitterness, just pity. He was a terribly miserable human being to be able to inflict that kind of pain onto anyone, and I find that very sad.

Medications are not for Me

I am not opposed to seeking therapy, someone to talk to. I am personally opposed to mood altering medications. There are two reasons:

  • A part of me felt like I should be experiencing the physical and emotional pain: Not necessarily because I deserve those pains, but because I knew that physical and emotional pain was a logical consequence of what I had experienced.

  • I felt like medications were the easy route and I did not choose the easy route.

  • Medications can be a source of addiction and I did not want to risk becoming addicted. I also did not want to put faith in a pill to solve my problems. And, I have an allergic reaction to opiates and consequently, the subsequent surgeries to remove the bullet and reconstruct everything were without painkillers; and the pain was horrible, but I endured.

Triggers & Fears

Are there otherwise benign things that trigger an emotional response from me? Hell yes.

Do the trigger occurrences sometimes take my breath away? Yes.

Am I sometimes afraid at times, and can bad memories pop up that are destructive? Oh, hell yes.

I can and do become very emotionally unavailable. It happens before I know it so I have to realize it, and talk myself down. I have never had anyone I trusted enough to help with those situations so, I depend on myself.

If a car backfires, I am freaking out, but after looking for blood and finding none, I am laughing.

New Partners Dealing With My Past Trauma

Things are also hard for your next partner. If they love you and care about you and let’s assume they do, you must have compassion for them as well. They don’t like what that asshole did to you, and it brings them thoughts of anger and helplessness. You have to assure them that you are okay, it’s a process and if they will just support you and understand, you can get through it.  But do not become dependent on their help, some friends are here today, gone tomorrow; but while they are with you, draw on their strength and support.

Therapy/Counseling

I never had therapy. I sometimes wish I did, but I could never afford it and when I could afford it, it was an issue with my ex.


Jesus didn't go to the well because he needed water. Author Unknown.


Faith

I have a very strong belief and trust in God. Jesus is my Lord and Savior. After spending thousands on self help books, I realized the only one I needed is the Bible. It wasn’t always that way. It hurts me to say it but I gave up on God because I felt like He gave up on me.

Journaling

I am a strong believer in journaling, I am on journal number eight. I talk to my little book, it is a very good listener and never judges.

My Advice

Never, ever let a new partner condemn you for your past DV situation. Never allow them to play  victim at your expense. Kick them to the curb immediately. I made that mistake already. 

 


Authors Notes: 

The following resources may be helpful to anyone involved in domestic violence situations.

Resources - Web Sites and Contact Numbers

Although resources are lacking in many places, here are some of resources for victims of domestic violence:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Domestic Violence Support

Website: https://www.thehotline.org/

Phone: 1-800-799-7233

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)

Website: https://www.ncadv.org/resources

Phone: 1-888-373-7888

Public Housing

Website: https://www.benefits.gov/news/article/472

Contact: Information on local housing programs can be found using the Public Housing Agency (PHA) Locator at https://www.hud.gov/program_offices/public_indian_housing/pha/contacts

Sojourner Center, AZ

Web site: https://www.sojournercenter.org/

Phone: 602-244-0997

Fresh Start Women’s Foundation - Phoenix, AZ

Website: https://freshstartwomen.org/

Phone: (602) 252-8494

City of Houston, TX

Website: https://humantraffickinghouston.org/resources/services-for-domestic-violence-victims/

Phone: 713-528-2121

Violence Free Colorado

Website: https://www.violencefreecolorado.org/faq-items/resources-available-victims/

Phone: 303-831-9632

California Partnership to End Domestic Violence

Website: https://blueshieldcafoundation.org/resources/collections/domestic-violence-california-resources-for-survivors-advocates-and-allies

Contact: Information on local resources can be found using the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence at https://www.cpedv.org/

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Website: https://ncadv.org/resources

Phone: 1-303-839-1852

The National Network to End Domestic Violence

Website: https://nnedv.org/content/resources/?_ga=2.256724040.1987072232.1653181471-1119571351.1653181471

Phone: 202-543-5566

The Women's Law Project

Website: https://www.womenslawproject.org/

Phone: 215-928-9801

The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

Website: https://www.nrcdv.org/

Phone: 1-800-537-2238

SafeSpace of East Tennessee

Website: www.safespacetn.org

Phone: 1-800-244-5968

Fairleigh Dickinson University

Information and Guidance

Website: https://www.fdu.edu/campuses/metropolitan-campus/public-safety/threat-assessment-team/breaking-the-silence-of-domestic-violence/

Books

Here are some books that may be helpful. The Holy Bible and The Gift of Fear are Susan's favorites.

  • HOLY BIBLE: KING JAMES VERSION, 1611 EDITION: HENDRICKSON PUBLISHERS. This edition of the King James Bible contains all 66 books of the Old and New Testaments and is designed for easy reading and fast comfortable reading.

  • THE GIFT OF FEAR: SURVIVAL SIGNALS THAT PROTECT US FROM VIOLENCE. By Gavin De Becker. (1997 & 2016). Dell Publishing. This book explains how to recognize warning signs and precursors to violence, and how to trust one's gut instinct to avoid potential trauma and harm.

  • THE ANSWER TO ANXIETY BY JOYCE MYER: This book teaches practical steps, based on Scripture to face our fears and help resolve anxieties.

  • GETTING PAST WHAT YOU'LL NEVER GET OVER" BY JOHN F. WESTFALL. (2012). Help for Dealing with Life's Hurts. Revell. This book provides guidance on how to overcome emotional pain and trauma and move forward in life. The author uses personal stories and biblical principles to offer practical advice on how to deal with grief, loss, and other difficult life experiences.

  • THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION: LET GO OF WHO YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE. By BrenĂ© Brown. (2010). Hazelden Publishing. This book encourages readers to embrace their imperfections and live a wholehearted life. The author uses personal anecdotes, research, and practical advice to help readers cultivate self-compassion, resilience, and authenticity.

  • DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST: UNDERSTANDING AND ENGAGING THE NARCISSIST IN YOUR LIFE. By Priscilla Posey. (2019). Independently published. This book provides guidance on how to recognize and deal with narcissistic behavior in oneself and others. The author uses personal anecdotes, research, and practical advice to help readers understand the motivations and behaviors of narcissists and how to set boundaries and protect oneself from their harmful behavior.

  • FORGIVE YOURSELF: EMPOWERING YOURSELF BY LETTING GO OF THE PAST AND OVERCOMING YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT. By Rosemary Dee. (2022). This book offers guidance on how to overcome feelings of guilt and shame and move forward in life. The author uses personal anecdotes, research, and practical advice to help readers understand the causes and effects of guilt and shame and how to practice self-forgiveness.

  • HEALING THE SOUL OF A WOMAN BY JOYCE MYER. Internationally renowned Bible teacher Joyce Meyer draws on her own history of abuse to show women how Christ's redeeming love heals emotional wounds and brings joy to life.

  • TRAUMA AND RECOVERY: THE AFTERMATH OF VIOLENCE--FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE TO POLITICAL TERROR BY JUDITH HERMAN. This book explores the psychological impact of trauma and how to recover from it.

  • DEL-YOU CAN BE FREE: AN EASY-TO-READ HANDBOOK FOR ABUSED WOMEN. By Ginny NiCarthy. This book offers practical advice and support for women who have experienced domestic violence.

  • EMPOWERING AND HEALING THE BATTERED WOMAN: A MODEL FOR ASSESSMENT AND INTERVENTION. By Marie M. Fortune. This book provides a model for assessing and intervening in cases of domestic violence.

  • I AM NOT YOUR VICTIM: ANATOMY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. By Beth S. Schechter. This book provides a comprehensive look at the dynamics of domestic violence and how to break the cycle.

  • WOMEN AND MALE VIOLENCE: THE VISIONS AND STRUGGLES OF THE BATTERED WOMEN'S MOVEMENT. By Susan L. Miller. This book explores the history of the battered women's movement and the struggle for women's rights.

  • BECOMING A SURVIVOR: SURVIVOR'S GUIDE THROUGH DV AND HOW TO THRIVE IN ITS AFTERMATH. By Crystal Schwindt. This book offers guidance and support for survivors of domestic violence as they navigate life after abuse.

  • IT'S MY LIFE NOW: STARTING OVER AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. By Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock. This book provides practical advice and tools for survivors of domestic violence to rebuild their lives.

  • THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE: BRAIN, MIND, AND BODY IN THE HEALING OF TRAUMA. By Bessel van der Kolk. This book explores the impact of trauma on the body and mind and provides strategies for healing.

  • NO VISIBLE BRUISES: WHAT WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CAN KILL US BY RACHEL LOUISE SNYDER. This book provides an in-depth look at domestic violence and its impact on victims and society as a whole.

  • SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO: THE DANGERS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THAT WE IGNORE, EXPLAIN AWAY, OR REFUSE TO SEE. By Jess Hill. This book explores the societal and cultural factors that enable domestic violence and offers solutions for prevention and intervention.

Authors Postscript:

At this writing Susan (again, not her real name) is a successful business owner living in the US. She told me that if she ever wins the lottery she will build a woman’s shelter in the area where her situation occurred.